Breaking the Chains of Conditioning: Unbecoming the Man You Were Never Meant to Be

The Journey of Unbecoming: Rediscovering Authentic Masculinity

There is a wonderful quote by the famous writer Paulo Coelho - "Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place,". What a wonderful invite to ask us to reflect deeply on our personal evolution.

This concept of unbecoming aligns seamlessly with the exploration of masculine energy, a theme central to the ethos of holding space and rediscovering what it is to be healthily masculine, and healthily feminine for women in their true power and spirit, in a world full of toxic patriarchy and overzealous feminism. In the modern world, masculinity is often understood through a rigid framework that dictates how men should behave, what emotions they should express and supress, and how they should engage with the world. But what if true masculine power isn’t about adding more to oneself - more success, more strength, more control - but about stripping away the unnecessary? What if it’s about removing the false narratives that have been imposed upon us all, so that we can live authentically?

In society, we are taught that growth is about accumulation - acquiring knowledge, wealth, status, or strength. From childhood, boys are conditioned to adopt specific traits: toughness, emotional restraint, and an unwavering pursuit of success. But in this pursuit of becoming, many men lose touch with their inner truth driven by the capitalistic nature of the western world.

The process of unbecoming is different. It is an inward journey, a process of peeling away the layers of societal conditioning, false expectations, and imposed identities. It is about removing the masks that men are expected to wear - the provider, the protector, the stoic, the unshakeable force - and finding what lies beneath. This journey is not about rejection of masculinity but a reclamation of its truest essence. Masculinity is at its core an adaptable strength – an energy that can be utilised for protection, for providing, but not stoic and never unshakable. A rigid and unmovable tree will simply break when a storm arrives, adaptable and moving healthy masculinity should be able to weather even the strongest storm and come out the other side perhaps battered, but ready to grow again.

Masculine Energy: A Dual Perspective

Masculine energy, traditionally associated with traits like assertiveness, logic, and action, is often viewed through a limited lens. There is a cultural narrative that to be masculine is to dominate, to be unwavering, to suppress emotions. However, this limited perspective is only half the truth.

In their seminal work, “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine,” Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette explore four fundamental masculine archetypes. These archetypes offer a framework for understanding the multifaceted nature of mature masculinity:

• King: Symbolises order, blessing, and fertility. The King energy embodies responsibility and nurturing leadership.

• Warrior: Represents assertiveness, courage, and protection. This energy is about setting boundaries and taking decisive action.

• Magician: Embodies wisdom, insight, and transformation. The Magician is the thinker, the one who understands hidden truths.

• Lover: Signifies passion, empathy, and connectivity. This archetype is attuned to the beauty of life and the depth of relationships.

By ‘unbecoming’ the false notions attached to masculinity, men can access these archetypal energies in their mature forms, leading to a more integrated and authentic self.

A more holistic approach recognises that masculine energy is not about control but presence; not about suppression but conscious expression. Strength is not in avoiding vulnerability but in embracing it. True masculine energy is dynamic - it knows when to act and when to surrender, when to protect and when to nurture. The ancient archetypes of the warrior, the king, the magician, and the lover illustrate this well: masculine energy is multidimensional, encompassing wisdom, creativity, courage, and deep emotional connection.

When we strip away the false layers imposed by culture, what remains is an authentic masculinity - one that is deeply rooted in purpose, integrity, and connection with the world.

A Rite of Passage

For two decades of my life I was caught in the trap of becoming - pursuing goals that were not mine, striving to meet expectations that did not align with my values. I had built a version of myself that I thought was necessary to succeed, but the more I climbed, the more I felt disconnected.

It wasn’t until I allowed myself to question everything - my beliefs, my patterns, my motivations - that I began to shed the layers that weren’t truly mine. This process has felt like dismantling of my identity, an undoing of everything I thought I was supposed to be. It is uncomfortable, unsettling, and at times very painful. But as I let go of these external identities, I begin to feel something I haven’t felt in a long time - freedom.

This I my rite of passage. Not a physical ordeal, but an internal transformation. Many traditional cultures recognised the importance of such rites - ceremonies that marked the transition from boyhood to manhood, requiring young men to face hardship, self-reflection, and deep transformation. Today, most men never undergo such initiations. Instead, they are left to navigate manhood without guidance, often adopting external markers of masculinity rather than discovering their inner truth. I am hoping that in my rediscovery, that I can also build a balanced world for my family in their growth as well.

The Interconnectedness of Natural Systems

Nature offers profound lessons in authenticity and balance. Consider the way a river carves its path - not by force, but by yielding to the natural contours of the land. It does not resist change but embraces it, constantly reshaping itself in accordance with the environment. Similarly, trees shed their leaves in autumn, not out of loss but in preparation for renewal.

As men, we can learn from this. Masculinity, at its core, is not rigid; it is fluid and adaptable. It requires us to be present and responsive, rather than clinging to outdated models of what it means to be a man. The process of unbecoming is much like the shedding of leaves - it is a necessary surrender that allows for new growth.

Many men today struggle with a sense of direction because they have never undergone a significant rite of passage, which I talk about more here. Without these experiences, we remain in a state of arrested development, clinging to adolescence or outdated ideas of success.

Historically, rites of passage served as transformative experiences, guiding individuals into a deeper understanding of themselves and their roles within their community. These rites forced an individual to confront his limitations, to shed his old identity, and to emerge as something more refined, more authentic.

Modern rites of passage can take many forms: a journey into the wilderness, deep meditation, fasting, or confronting one's fears head-on. The essence of these rites is the same - stripping away all that is unnecessary to reveal what is truly essential.

Mental Well-being and Integrating 'Unbecoming' into Daily Practice

The alignment with one's authentic self has profound implications for mental well-being. When there is congruence between our inner values and outward actions, we experience a deep sense of peace. Conversely, when we wear masks and live inauthentically, we often struggle with stress, anxiety, and depression. I talk about that more here as well.

Many men today suffer in silence, conditioned to believe that asking for help or showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness. However, true strength lies in honesty - with oneself and others. The journey of unbecoming invites us to embrace our full humanity, recognising that emotions, intuition, and deep connection are as much a part of masculinity as strength and action.

To embark on this journey of unbecoming and harmonise masculine energy, consider these practices:

1. Self-Reflection and regular introspection helps identify aspects of ourselves that are socially conditioned rather than innately true.

2. Mindfulness Practices and engaging in meditation or journaling can heighten awareness of our genuine desires and values.

3. Embracing Vulnerability and allowing ourselves to be open and vulnerable fosters deeper connections and authentic living.

4. Challenging Societal Norms and critically assessing and, when necessary, defying societal expectations that don't resonate with our true selves.

5. Connecting with Nature - spending time in natural environments can ground us and reflect the simplicity and authenticity we seek.

6. Engaging in physically demanding activities can serve as a modern rite of passage, pushing beyond limitations and deepening self-awareness.

7. Creating Sacred Spaces and setting aside time for solitude and reflection can be a powerful tool in reconnecting with one's inner self.

The journey of unbecoming is a transformative path towards authenticity, aligning closely with the balanced expression of masculine energy. By shedding imposed identities and embracing our true selves, we not only enhance our own well-being but also contribute more meaningfully to the world around us. This process, rich with introspection and courage, leads us back to who we were always meant to be.

True masculinity is not found in conquest, control, or performance - it is found in presence, in self-acceptance, and in the courage to live fully and authentically. As we embrace unbecoming, we step into a deeper, richer, and more meaningful expression of who we are. And perhaps, in doing so, we finally come home to ourselves.